Summer Revelation: How to Get Your Kids' Attention! (It may involve bleeding).

It all started with the summer trip to see family.

After an award-winning Uber drive to the airport in which our attempting-to-be-hip-but-not-really-hip driver jammed our night-before carefully packed and weighed suitcases in the back of his "I CAN CARRY UP TO 6 PASSENGERS" vehicle which is not entirely true (NOT AT ALL TRUE) unless you consider holding two passengers under the age of eight on your lap acceptable. Thank you, though, Mr. Hip Uber Driver, for the excellent sound system in your Ford. As a bonus, your speakers definitely do work. It was so pleasant listening to Run DMC and Ice-T blaring their bass at 4:45AM and feeling the beat down to our soul prior to our morning coffee.

Checking our luggage at our No-Frills Airline (only two bags for SIX people, thank you very much and yes I am a great packer-and-weigher and frugal in saving our family money on airline tickets by flying economically even though the airline seats will have no cushion and our knees will be bruised by the time we deboard), I learned I am not such a great packer-and-weigher after all. 15 pounds overweight for EACH suitcase. (WHAT?!--clearly our home scale is off ... which means I am also 15 pounds heavier than I thought). Meanwhile, four little, loud voices behind proclaim: "Mommy, I'm starving!" "Mom, I have to pee. BADLY. Do you have a can?" "Mom, did you know you have brown flakes all over the back butt of your pants?" 3-year old now screaming: "I FORGOT MY TIARA AND MAGIC WAND!"

The plane ride was a delight (FIB). I'll spare you the details, only sharing one. The lovely gentleman in front of us was clearly overwhelmed by our family. Why, I ask you? Aren't we the American Standard as far as families go? Oh, that's right. Perhaps it's because OUR CHILDREN WEREN'T LISTENING.

Prior to takeoff, here's a highlight reel:

"Stop banging the 2-inch tray, up and down, up and down, child." (Child does not seem to hear).

"Please stop moving the arm rest up and down, and up and down, up down so it makes a buzzing sound because you are moving it so fast." (Child does not seem to hear).

"Please don't kick the nice lady's seat in front of us." (Child does not seem to hear).

"I'm so sorry, but there is no room to sprawl out as though this is a bed when we are traveling in an airplane (particularly a No-Frills Airline which charges us A LOT for overweight luggage)." (Child does not seem to hear).

"Please stop moving the window shade up and down and up and down and up and down; people are getting seasick from the motion and we aren't at sea." (Child does not seem to hear).

I stand up to breath (FIB). I stand up to prevent a meltdown and inadvertently read a text from the previously mentioned gentleman sitting in front of us. Here's what it said:

"HELP!!! PLZ PRAY FOR ME. STUCK WITH FAMILY OF 6 BEHIND ME WITH 4 KIDS. GOING TO BE LONG FLIGHT. NEED PRAYERS." No joke, Mister. Can you send a text for me, too?

After safely landing, our family of six snuggled harmoniously (FIB) crammed not-so-harmoniously into my husband's childhood bedroom, ("Daddy, why did your mom make you have purple, flowered walls and a purple bedspread when you were a little boy?") sharing one, lone bathroom, I thought, surely the worst of our trip was behind us.

In an effort to erase our early-morning-Run DMC, SOS-texting, overweight-suitcase melodrama, I stepped into the hot shower, knowing the kids definitely would not miss a beat with me in the shower. Heck, they wouldn't even realize I was in the shower ... they never listened to me out of the shower; certainly they wouldn't bother me in the shower. Newsflash. Suddenly my relaxing shower became synonymous with a trip to Costa Rica for the kids. It went something like this:

Mom steps in to shower for 20 seconds. Enough time get a thin film of shampoo on her hair, thinking she may survive this family trip after all.

Bathroom door opens (locks on door don't work due to child jamming them on prior visit). Child #1: "MO-OM! You're taking a SHO-WER?!? What? I wanted to shower!" (Since when does this kid want to shower? EVER? He goes 5 days without showering at home).

Bathroom door opens. Child #2: "MOM-MY! What are you DO-ING? You're taking a SHOWER? I want to take a bath! Can I take a bath?! RIGHT NOW?"

Bathroom door opens. Child #1 is back: Don't we have to go somewhere? Like to a rehearsal dinner or something? Do we have to wear our suits? If everybody in our family is going to be showering, we may have a hot water shortage so you better go quick. Which means I need to get in the shower soon so we don't run out of hot water. You know there's only one shower, right?"

My stress is rising now. I was going to shave my legs. I'm reconsidering.

Bathroom door opens. Child #3: "Mom! There you ARE! I have been looking ALL OVER this house for you! I was seriously getting worried! I couldn't find you! Were you hiding from us? I mean, why didn't you tell us you were taking a shower?! What if we needed you? Like right now! Also, do you realize all 6 of us need showers and we are all waiting on you? And by the way, the mirror is really getting fogged over so FYI, it's going to be hard for you to do your makeup and hair if you stay in that shower much longer."

That's it. I am shaving my legs just to spite them. I came in here to GET AWAY AND NO-ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME AND NOW THEY ALL WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!

Bathroom door opens. Child #1 returns: "MO-OM! You're STILL in here? What is TAKING YOU SO LONG? How come it takes girls so long to shower? What do you do in there? I am waiting in the purple bedroom and it is bor-ing in here! Can you please hurry up?"

Bathroom door opens again. Child #4: "Dang! You're in the shower?! I brought my snorkel set up and I'm waiting to use it in the shower since it's raining outside and we can't swim. So just speed it up a little, if you don't mind because I'm ready to snorkel in the shower!"

I can no longer see what I am doing because the kids have slammed the door open and shut and open and shut and open and shut (is it just me or do you sense a pattern?) so many times the suction fan now isn't working so everything is steamed over into a thick fog (or maybe something is on fire ... I really have no idea). I nervously weed-whack in the fastest-way-possible (e.g. shave-with-a-cheap-razor) my legs for the sake of my dear children who apparently need to shower RIGHT NOW and come out, not surprisingly, MORE stressed than I went in.

Bathroom door opens for the zillionth time. Child # 1, #2, #3, and #4 return, as I stand garbed in my pajamas, completely and utterly defeated, legs bleeding (more than I realized): "MOM!" they shout, somewhat panicked. "What happened? We need to call 9-1-1! You are bleeding! Badly! Are you okay? You are injured!"

Child #4: "Who did that to you?"

Child #1: "I'm NOT going in that shower! There is a terrorist in there!"

Child #4: Grabs snorkel and related gear. Points it at shower door to defend the family. Bless them all. Yes. Bless them all. (What else is a defeated, stressed, bleeding mom gonna do)?

So, readers, it's as simple as that. The fastest way to get your children's attention?Take a shower.

If only it were stress-free.

Thanks for reading. Wishing you all a stress-free, attention-getting, back-to-school day on Monday morning (for those of you Cobb County friends). For those of you starting school in August (like normal people), you lucky ducks!

Love,

Lauri

I'd love you to check out Willamena Picklepants and a Case of the No Good, Really Mean Words, available on Amazon.com and tell me what you and your kids think. We love to hear how Willamena is speaking to children (and adults). Thanks for sharing your stories with us ... it matters! YOU matter!