"I'm Allergic to Your Kids!" and Other Reflections on Traveling with Children

Travel is often synonymous with the words glamour, relaxation, and freedom ... right? But let's take a moment to unpack (enjoy the pun) the joys of family travel. In the midst of all the suitcase jamming, cramming, and slamming (why must my children secretly pack every stuffed animal and blanket known to man when I am not looking, as well as every non-TSA sized hair product?), here's a recap of a few highlights (lowlights) of our most recent trip to the Midwest. Here's hoping you, friends, have shared some of these pure travel delights. Shall we begin?

Dear Nice Man in Wrangler Jeans and Work Boots Sitting Next to Me by the Window in Seat F:

The games you're playing on your oversized phone look very entertaining. I'm envious that you get to play games while I hold a 30-pound child on my lap while simultaneously maneuvering three, gallon-sized ziplock bags filled with an array of pre-packaged snacks (but not cheetos or doritos -- see prior post on my history and trauma with those), as well as three beverages to share (but not spill) between five people, as well as several backpacks filled with toys and ample blankets should a blizzard strike and should my three-year old get cranky (not to mention countless wipes and hand sanitizers because I have a long-standing phobia of public restrooms and you can't hold it forever when you're traveling across the USA). So, yes, I am envious of your ability to play games on your phone, distraction-free, for the duration of our 3.5 hour flight.

Wait. Why, nice man in wranglers, are you wrapping your blue, wool blanket over your head and shoulders and pulling it tightly around your entire face, managing to tent off your whole being? Yes. You have officially barricaded your entire upper body in a tent-like enclosure using your wool blanket. Hold on. I can see your phone playing underneath the blanket. Wait again. Is it me? Why have you chosen to self-tent? I forgot to tell you, reader: I am traveling alone with the four kids. Yes alone. SINGLE PARENTING it! ALL THE WAY TO DENVER and then to NEBRASKA! So forgive me if I am already paranoid here, but we just boarded the plane and already we are causing a nice man in wranglers to self-tent?

Dear Second Nice, Young, Hip, Lad with the White Teeth and Ponytail Sitting Next to my Kids in Seat A:

Just as the 'deploy your airbags first' demo by the flight attendants is wrapping up, I am relieved to see we have scored big across the aisle with the pony-tailed, yet clean-cut, young man sitting next to my daughter and son across the aisle. His white, polished, teeth grinned a bright smile and, in my infinite, elderly wisdom, I am certain he winked at me as if to say, "Don't worry, mom, your kids in this row will be in good hands with me sitting beside them." I conjured he was surely a camp counselor coming home from Young Life. Instead he looked, this time squarely withOUT a wink, and politely asked the flight attendant if he could MOVE TO A NEW SEAT. (I ask you, reader: Had he not thought of self-tenting as a first course of action, at least? I mean, come ON)! The nerve! I quickly asked him if all was okay. His reply rattled me if you know anything about my history with cleanliness and/or cats: "Actually, do you have a cat, ma'am? Because I think I'm allergic to your children." He was entirely sincere and without a single wink or flash of his brilliant smile he abandoned us and dashed out of sight, politely carrying the large box of kleenex provided by our no-thrills airline (which probably charged him for the tissue). And for the record, no, we do not have cats because I AM ALLERGIC TO CATS, TOO!

Dear Hotel With No Hot Water (In Only Our Room):

Thank you for a lovely stay at your hotel. We enjoyed the hot breakfast complimentary with our stay. Truly. My children did not know the words 'hot' and 'breakfast' could possibly go together. Life-changing is an understatement. My son has never eaten so much protein in his life. He is no longer anemic. God bless you and your breakfast staff. We apologize for using so many paper cups. My 3-year old enjoyed the apple juice and was delighted that her mother was too exhausted from TSA travel standards to say no to the unlimited apple juice refills. The bonus was that she was able to push the dining chair over to the self-serve stand and deploy the apple juice all by herself using the auto-serve button which was, fortunately, easy to operate, even for a 3-year old (except for the couple of times the overflow chamber overflowed). Sorry about that. I was so thankful for this ease of operation and the fact that your chairs slid well on your dining floor as my arms were numb due to wiping so many surfaces in the plane caused by my germaphobia.

The bad news is that we went three days and three nights with cold (i.e. 'no') showers. At least we are no longer anemic and look really tan from being covered in Nebraska dust (cool)! When I approached the front desk (calmly, channelling my inner Willamena Picklepants), asking you about the hot water issue, you mentioned 'some' of the rooms were having hot water issues. I then asked, "How many of the rooms are having hot water issues?" Your answer? One. ONE? ONE! And that would be our room! WE ARE THE ONE! So, Dear-hotel-with-no-hot-water-in-only-ONE-ROOM-that-happens-to-be-our-room, please help this mother on the brink. I am tired. And now I am dirty and my kids are dirty, too, because they won't shower in the cold water. But thank you, hotel, that we aren't anemic and are well-hydrated with apple juice. You have those things goin' down-town, Julie Brown (do they still say that)?

Dear Son: I'm Sorry for Putting Eye Drops in Your Ears.

Son, as I approach senior citizen status, I failed to see the prescription ear drops I packed for your ears were, in reality, eye drops. I guess this explains why your ears continued to hurt for the duration of our trip. Apparently eye drops are not effective in treating ears. I apologize profusely. I am very thankful for your younger brother's keen eyesight and adept ability to read fine print. How wonderful for him to point out my large oversight in front of your dear grandparents: "MOM-MY! You've been putting EYE drops in his EARS this whole WEEK!" I am now using your eye drops in my own eyes with hopes they will restore my failing eyesight. I am terribly sorry, my son.

Dear Sister Whose Microwave I Nearly Blew Up: I Apologize For Having to Call the Fire Department.

I'm sorry. That's really all I have. I thought my niece --your daughter, would enjoy a good bowl of hot-air popcorn. Which is why I got 'adventurous' (for me) and bought a 'make-it-in-the-microwave hot air popcorn popper' which is supposed to be a 'no-hassle' way to pop popcorn via hot air using the microwave. (Clearly the ad was full of HOT AIR...). I tried to 'test' the maker at night, when everyone was in bed. I'm really sorry for scorching the microwave (not to mention the popcorn bowl/popper/unit itself - clearly it was a dud), and especially for having to call 911 while all 6 children were sleeping, including you and your husband (the one whose car I messed up ... which is another post entirely). Thankfully no-one was injured and the firemen didn't have to deploy the firehose. I am hopeful the ads for Febreeze are accurate and the smell of burnt popcorn, plastic, and scorched microwave leaves your lovely home soon. Did I mention I'm sorry?

Memories.

Travel. Love it or hate it. Maybe a little bit of both. For me, if I never see another suitcase again, I may just jump for joy (my extended family is probably rejoicing we are long gone) ... at least for a few weeks.

Thanks for reading. Send me your travel stories. I love hearing from you.

Lauri

I'd love for you to check out Willamena Picklepants and a Case of the No Good, Really Mean Words, available on Amazon.com and tell me what you and your kids think. We love to hear how Willamena is speaking to children (and adults). Thanks for sharing your stories with us ... it matters! YOU matter!