"Some of My Friends Are ... No One" and National Bullying Prevention Month

You know those cute little posters our children complete in advance of Mothers' Teas and Donuts with Dads? Our kids surprise, delight, and amuse us with their clever, heart-warming (and occasionally embarrassing) reflections of their (and our) favorite foods, sports, songs, and yes, drinks. The image above is a contrast to what we are accustomed to seeing on our school walls. It was written by a boy in Rockaway, New Jersey. His father attended his son's Back-To-School Night, as is customary for parents every year. The father's jaw dropped to the floor, however, when he read how his son answered who his friends were. This simple-enough question had a not-so-simple answer:

"Some of my friends are ... no one." No one.

This month is National Bullying Prevention Month. In some ways I wish the month was named something a bit less alienating. Or, maybe, more aptly, a bit more 'inclusive.' While 1 in 4 children has been bullied at school (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2015), it is the above image that will probably never serve justice to any child who is or who feels 'friendless.'

One of the fundamental needs of children is approval of peers and a strong social system. Millie Ferrer and Anne Fugate in their University of Florida article, “The Importance of Friendship for School-Age Children” say close friends are vital to school-age children’s healthy development. And, who can argue that? Friendships are not just playmates — they help children learn social skills (take a look at any neighborhood filled with kids and you'll see social skills in action)! Through friends, our kids practice controlling their emotions and responding to the emotions of others. According to Ferrer and Fugate: "Having at least one or two good friends affects a child’s school performance, too. Children tend to have better attitudes about learning and school when they have friends there."

So, what happens when today's youth lack the support of a peer system? And how can we better encourage our own children to be includers - to recognize the child who needs a friend?

What if it starts with noticing? (Easier said from the perspective of an introvert, I know). What if it begins with observing? What if it's about stepping outside our comfort zones? (Which, no surprise, is uncomfortable). What if it simply begins with taking an interest? Noticing. Asking. Including. Again. And again. And maybe one more time.

These are challenging things to ask of our children, aren't they? Particularly when they are struggling to find their own place to fit in. And here's the even harder part. What if we challenged ourselves to do these things, as well?

Have you noticed? Who looked sad today? Who looks lonely? Who doesn't have a friend to sit with at lunch (more on the lunch epidemic later this month). Who's picked last in the dreaded team picks for PE? Who doesn't have a partner? Who didn't have a friend to play with at recess? And who is brave enough to sacrifice self for the sake of the less popular kid? For the kid who goes unnoticed? For the kid who seems fine to be left alone? For the kid who seems content to sit by herself? For the child who says 'no thanks' when asked to join in? Maybe today is the day your or my or his or her or our asking will receive a 'yes!' ... Or maybe not. But at least we tried. At least we asked. At least we invited.

Research shows our children are losing the skill of empathy. In a world where we all are becoming more self-absorbed, what if we look outward, seeking someone who might need a friend ... or simply an encouraging word?

The hardest part? We can't make our kids do this. But we can ask them. Again and again and again and again.

Yes. There is power in the ask. And by talking with our children about noticing, observing, and asking, we are helping them, encouraging them to be includers.

As they - and we - ask and invite and include, we are creating a culture where our students and children, when asked, "Who are your friends?" just might respond:

EVERYONE! ... Too many to list!

At least that is our hope and our wish for our schools and our children, isn't it?

Thanks for reading. And thanks for raising kind kids. We see them every day.

Love to all.

Lauri

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