Surprising Parenting Discoveries from Southern Brides and their Mommas (and What your Wedding Dress

You know, that special day little girls dream about their whole lives ... the day you found 'the one?' (No, not 'the tall, dark, handsome one' but 'the puffy, billowy, crinoline one,' with the lace-sparkles-pouf-bouffant and whatever else it was that made you feel magical as you stepped down the aisle to marry your Prince Charming?

Yes ... that magical dress. And it's not really just the dress, is it? It's the whole process of finding the dress that's memorable. The moments spent with those closest to us - most aptly, our mom, our grandma, and our best friends, our bridal party.

Since I've officially entered middle age and reading with bifocals while elliptical-ling has proven semi-hazardous to my physical well-being, I've resigned myself to watching cable TV while exercising. I recently stumbled on TLC's Say Yes to the Dress. I have to say, the show is entertaining at minimum, but beyond that, I've, surprisingly, garnered a bit of parenting insight.

When I look back on my own wedding photos, I wonder, 'Why on earth did I choose that one (the dress, not the groom!). I know my sister feels the same. As do many of my friends. The title of TLC's show itself may explain why we chose dresses we were less than in love with. It's a complex dynamic when you get that bride-to-be in front a group of loved ones with whom she desperately wants to please - especially her mom.

And, bridal dresses aside, that's the crux of the show, really. Beneath the fluffy white dresses, it's a show about brides wanting to please and their innate need for approval.

As each woman appears adorned in her (or her mother's) selection of white (tight, fitted, mermaid, strapless, beaded, princess, or flare), her entourage boldly gives opinion after opinion on dress after dress, regardless of how much the bride-to-be likes, loves, or loathes the dress. It goes something like this:

"That's not what I imagined you wearing on your wedding day."

"I wanted you to look like a princess."

"That's not you."

"That's not flattering."

"It's not my favorite."

"That's not what I had in mind for you."

As opinions are rendered, the bride walks with her head hanging, dejected, back into the fitting room, sometimes with tears in her eyes.

What was meant to be a joyful experience ends up becoming an occasion of disappointment and deflation, with young women questioning who they are and what they want.

Watching the women before hearing the feedback, they feel confident. Beautiful even. They are glowing. The dress might not be 'their' dress, but they are owning the moment. And then their entourage speaks. And their confidence turns to disappointment. But they are waiting for more than just acceptance of the dress. What are they waiting for?

It's something, if we're honest, we're all a little bit hungry for.

Approval.

TLC's show simply magnifies the power of approval, and in particular, the poignantly powerful need for daughters to gain their mom's approval.

Surprisingly, here's what some well-intentioned Southern mommas and brides-to-be have reminded me:

1. We all need approval (we all know this). But daughters (and even sons) need approval from their mommas desperately.

2. Daughters (and sons) may sacrifice 'self' for what their mommas want in an effort to gain momma's approval. Just as the bride-to-be sometimes picks the dress her mom wants instead of what she really wants, sometimes our children make choices to please us.

3. Part of growing up means finding one's identity. (Heck, many of us are still finding ours!). This means our daughters (and sons) may make choices we don't agree with (like picking the outfit and eventually the wedding dress we didn't have 'in mind' for them). (Sigh. This one is hard - especially for those of us who have daughters. For those of us with sons, we have resigned ourselves to Under Armour all day, every day. Wa.) Then there are bigger choices outside of wardrobes that we don't agree with, but choices they have the right to make. Another hard one. But they are learning and sometimes they learn more from making poor choices than from us over-steering their ship (and are working on our over-steering here). Hard stuff. Easier to be a naysayer on the parental bridal couch for sure (and we own a parental bridal couch, for the record).

4. Boundaries are good. I love it when a timid bride-to-be finally has the courage to tell her family they have overstepped their bounds. Yes, it's not only good for us to set boundaries with our kids, but (shocker) it's also good for them to set boundaries with us. There have been a few times (hundreds) when our kids have told us we were stepping over the line; sometimes we were, sometimes we weren't (and often it's our four-year old who is the one setting us straight!).

5. Letting go of the image sometimes means letting go of what we want. And often this is the hardest part of parenting. As the TLC show reminds me nearly every episode I happen to catch, when the glowing bride-to-be steps out in her gown, with her radiant face filled with the future of possibilities and hope, and her mother comments, "That dress isn't my vision for you," I am hit squarely in the face of how I do this same thing to my children, all-too-frequently.

"This wasn't how I thought it would be ...."

.... I didn't realize we'd have to deal with health issues ... with anxiety ... with a child who played ding-dong-ditch ... with a child who went to friends' uninvited ... with ongoing fears ... with chronic struggles ... with children who .... were different than I expected ...

"It's just not how I envisioned parenting would be ...."

And then I realize I am doing exactly what these Southern bridal mommas are doing to their lovely daughters. I am crushing my precious children who are garbed in white and filled with hope. I am crushing them with my vision of how I thought things 'would be' and the image I had in mind for their lives (and mine) as I parent them.

So ... who says you can't learn a thing or two from cable TV? Here's to better parenting and Southern brides-to-be.

Thanks for reading.

Love,

Lauri

Help us spread the Willamena Picklepants, message! Visit Amazon.com, use the search bar, enter Willamena Picklepants and leave a review. Then, send a message to lauri@lifeisastorybook.com letting us know you reviewed the book and Willamena will send you her favorite recipe as a thank you!